after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
