i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
