I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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