I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
