I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I need water and some morals
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
