oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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