i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
