Are we in a gay sports bar?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
