So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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