I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
