I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
