I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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