My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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