if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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