I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
They are going to name an STD after you.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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