Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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