Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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