Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
