something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
