You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
