Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
