How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
