My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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