I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You can't motorboat a personality
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
