My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
