I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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