dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
