I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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