Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
OPIZZABONMYDICK
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
