I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
