me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
