Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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