Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
