You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
