she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You're like the curious george of whores
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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