i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
