how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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