if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
