overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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