Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
