omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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