At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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