Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
