Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
