I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
