I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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