I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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