if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think I died a long time ago.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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