I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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