My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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