So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Never underestimate the power of titties
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
