My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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