I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
