I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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