why didn't you poke me back
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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