this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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